More interesting things about me

About my problems with programming and why I love it

In the 1980s I have been working as a software developer, but in the end of 1989, I became mentally ill, because I could not stand the trauma of a girl friend that has left me with my best friend.

This lead to a psychotic disorder that accompanies me since that time through my whole life. The disease has changed my life completely. While I was at first on a straight career path, had made military service and studied successfully,then, from one moment to the other, I was no more able to do things, that formerly were easy for me.

In addition, it was the time when the Arnold Schwarzenegger film "Terminator 2" was released. I took the film very seriously because I have seen what has been developed and what else would perhaps be developed in the future. This future is today already there. When I see the drone warfare in Ukraine then it is actually the "Terminator 2" situation. Only an Artificial Intelligence that nukes mankind is still missing. But this is only a secondary object about what I want to tell something.

It was also the time of the german reunion. I was born in the west, but I saw all the changes for our life that this would cause. So, for me, it was a time of great uncertainity.

I couldn't trust my senses anymore, but what was well functioning over all of the time was my rational understanding. It makes no sense to describe all the events that took place during the various acute psychotic phases. Even the doctors didn't understand me, what is seen by the fact, that a psychiatric hospital dismissed me in spite of a severe acute psychotic phase. The result was a suicide attempt because of psychotic delusions.

These severe consequences of my disease were the reason why I took my disease very seriously. I followed all treatments, and in total, up to today, I were admitted in the psychiatric hospital either full stationary or partly stationary for 4.5 years of my life. So I have a lot of experience.

I worked all the years in various positions. In 2007 my doctors and I decided that it was no more possible for me to work a normal job and that I should apply for retirement pension because of full reduction in earning capacity. The decision was very hard for me. But now, after all these years, I must admit, that this decision was completely right.

I only needed to go in the hospital for a week or two during a crisis. That was all since my retirement. I am very stable without a work, to which I have to go regularly. And there is also another important thing: When I worked as a software engineer or as a teacher, I had always my head full of thoughts about the problems at work, either it were technical problems or others. I was not able to live a normal life with this. Either I could function at work or I could function in my private life, but not both. When I tried to function in both areas, then I became mentally ill. One was able to count the time until I had a new crisis when I tried both.

Since more than 15 years I had no serious mental crisis anymore. I was able to mitigate everything somehow, also with the help of doctors and social workers. For those, who are interested in such things: My diagnosis is certified as schizoaffective disorder (ICD-10 F25.9). Sometimes it is more depressive, sometimes not. Most of the time I am living a normal life, and as my doctor told me, I have full cognitive capacity.

But programming has not only been my job. I love to do this. It's like a diamond that shines in the world. Computer programs can be diamonds. Programming can be actually an art. But the programs one sees mostly is more fast food or a bulky mess. Perhaps it is not possible to write good software if one has to earn money with it. So I am now in a position where I don't have to earn my living through software development anymore. For me, programming is fun. And as long as it stays fun for me, I'll do it.

Thank you for reading my long text.